I am a bad autism mother.

And today I say hello to another crack in my heart. 

I was dropping off Loudon for afternoon pre-school, and after finally convincing him that he wasn’t too sick to go to school (something he has been faking of late), I walked out with a smile on my face – mission accomplished! 

You have to walk along the length of the front of the school to get to the parking lot, so I was passing classrooms – one of which is Ro’s integrated K class.  As I was approaching his room, I heard the familiar shrieks.  Uh oh, what’s going on. 

I look inside the windows to see Ro clawing at Mrs. H., trying to get to something she had in her hands.  He is screaming at the top of his lungs, uncontrollably.  The WHOLE class begins to chant, “TOO LOUD RONAN!”  Two little boys cover their ears, and one little girl starts to sob – “It’s too loud Ronan!  It’s scary!”

The teachers (two of whom I see are subs today – of course, he’s not a fan of change) are trying to comfort the kids above the screeches, “It’s okay, kids, it’s okay!”

I am outside, clinging to the windows, wanting nothing more than to dive right through and rescue him.  Do I get his attention?  Try to comfort him through the window?  Go back into the school?  I want to scream his name, and tell him it’s okay.  I want to scoop him up and hug him.

The teachers spot me, and they just try to keep controlling the situation.  I take this as a sign that I should just let them try to handle it.  I don’t want to. 

I tear myself away, and go to my car, where I’m thankful I parked behind the school, so nobody can see me crying really hard.

I knew it wouldn’t be an easy day.  This morning I sent a letter to his teacher, letting her know that he didn’t sleep well (he’s been up since 4:00 am), he has to poop, and he has been very stimmy for the past couple of days. 

It’s getting cold here, and he’s been inside more than usual.  I hate New England for this reason.  Ro always has a hard time in the winter.  Not enough vitamin D, less exercise, etc. 

Then, as usual, I move on to blaming myself.  I should engage him more.  He should be on the computer less.  Why haven’t I enrolled him in a few classes for the afternoons and weekend, yet, to up his stimulation?  Why the hell did I move all the way back to Boston, when he was doing so well in Cali with all that sunshine and activity?  Should we go back to the diet? 

I know all mothers go through these days, but with autism, it’s all encompassing, every day, all the time.  What other kids pick up neurotypically, kids with autism have to be drilled every day, all the time, the same things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.  And when you have processing that is very similar – well, it’s the blind leading the blind, except the blind has to get its ass in gear, because it HAS to teach this child, regardless of the blind’s situation.  Now, divorce, bankruptcy and total sleep deprivation…I’m sorry, but for those of you who hate autism being referred to as a puzzle – it IS a frikken’ puzzle!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like a very bad autism mother.

And I want to scream at the top of my Goddamn lungs, just like Ro.  But I won’t. 

I’ll go pick him up, and try to do better, because he needs me too.



And yes, I have PMS.  I always write these posts around the same time of the month.  I think I need some Midol.