Mama fat.

At a damn rockin’ party in high school, a boy (a really hot boy – hello hot guy from Pine Run!) put his hands around Mama’s waist.  Completely around Mama’s waist.  His fingers literally spanned the girth of my midsection. 

Everyone took bets on Mama’s waist size, and when they really, literally measured it, my waist was 23″.  

Hmm, was Mama anorexic?  No!  But that was a frequent question that dopes asked me when I was young.  Come on!!  I grew up Italian, with stuffed meatballs and Cavatelli the norm meal on any given Monday. 

And Mama hated (and still hates) puke, so bulimia was out of the question.

What kept Mama thin?  Mama’s Mama and Papi were thankfully blessed with  insanely hyper metabolisms – thus, Mama’s 23″ waist.

Mama ate a Snickers bar and a Sprite for breakfast, a Burger King chicken sandwich and fries (another Sprite) for lunch, and a giant Italian home-cooked meal for dinner.  Then followed Mama’s dessert – a cream-laden concoction of sorts…pineapple upside-down cake, strawberry shortcake, custard, cannoli, ricotta pie, etc. etc.

Mama was never over 120 lbs.  And Mama is 5′ 6″. 

Flash forward to pregnancy number one – Ronan James in belly…Mama ate fruit and tuna and salad and vegetables, screamed and jumped up and down on the floor above our downstairs neighbor, who chain-smoked below us, chastising him about the unknown horrors he was causing my unborn child with his second-hand butt smoke. 

After the birth, Ronan James literally sucked out all of the weight gained, which was only about 20 lbs., through his constant nursing.  Mama was even thinner after birth than before I was pregnant!!

Ro was 30 lbs. at 10 months.  I had carpal tunnel for the longest time, just carrying that sack of tatoes around!!  So, Mama was skiiinnnnnyyyyyyy!

And OMamaGod!, I still remember the tiny black skinny pants I bought at Target that kept falling down due to my once again 23″ waist!  Hmm.  What happened?

A large thing know as “The Loudon” came along -that’s what mofos!

With this supposed “seven pound baby” Mama gained 65, yes I said 65 pounds during my pregnancy. 

And when he came out, in true Loudon fashion, breech and C-section, because why does anyone think he can do things the way everyone else does, ever!  He was an over 9 lb. giant tub of stubborness! 

Oddly, he also looked exactly like Jose, my sister’s Mexican gardener at the time (No, Snackie, I swear to God, I didn’t have relations with Jose!  I didn’t!)  But I digress…

Anyway, it took a little longer, but The Loudon had a penchant for frequent nursing as well, so I was down to my high school weight soon after his birth, too.   Yay, Mama so skinny and lucky and all bitches resented the pound shedding. 

Oh, but there came a time called “weaning”.  Mama had been pregnant, nursing, pregnant, nursing for over 5 years…it was time…and The Loudon could ask for “ditties” with a please and thank you at the end, so it was getting a little much.

Finally, my body was mine, all mine!!!!  No more worrying if Mama had a glass of wine, a little bit of fish or some gassy broccoli!!!  All edible was Mama’s, all Mama’s!!!  Bwaaa haaa haaa!!! 

And eat Mama did!  Meatballs in the morning, Party Cake ice cream in the afternoon and pizza and wine at night!!!  All food, all the time, every day all day, Mama have it, yay yay!!

Only, Mama’s super metabolism was not cooperating anymore.  Pounds started to creep.  And the bitches crept until Mama weighed a buck and a half!

Ohhh, this was not nice for Mama.   But food so good, so tasty, so Mama kept eating, and eating and eating and eating…

And Mama became fat…so fat.  Not attractive fat.  Not curvy and still delicious, just fat.  Sloppy and fat.  Out of shape and fat.  On the verge of cardiac arrest with super high blood pressure and fat.  Fat.

Mama has been fat for two years, two whole years of Mama’s life spent jiggling and sweat-pant wearing and hiding in all black clothing and big shirts.

It was time. 

Mama started with 24 lbs. to lose to get to her realistic goal weight. 

Gone for now is the Party Cake ice cream, the cavatellis and the stuffed meatballs…sigh…why can’t Mama still eat everything and anything all day long and stay skinny???  WHY???!!

After 10 days, Mama has lost 6lbs!  Not bad!

I still want the damn stuffed meatball though.

partycake

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Auntie Lena
    Mar 20, 2009 @ 15:53:34

    this is the funniest thing I have ever read. And I’m not sure why you are downplaying that waist, because you had a 20 incher at one point in high school! Go, Mama, Go, Mama, go, go, go Mama!

    Reply

  2. ronanjames
    Mar 20, 2009 @ 22:29:37

    Sanks, y’mama!
    LOL…I was estimating, but I am going with you…YES it really WAS 20″ !!!

    Reply

  3. Auntie Moe
    Mar 21, 2009 @ 22:09:01

    I think my thigh maybe 23″!!!! Never my waist!! It isn’t easy to lose weight or keep it off (my big issue) and my picture would have been of a quart of Brigham’s Vanilla!! (with chocolate jimmies of course) 🙂 It has been hard not to stress eat these last couple months but I am trying!!!! My new knee doesn’t need any extra weight!!

    Reply

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