Still alive, but T. T. (Too Tired)

I haven’t posted much of late.  I started, and quickly enough, stopped working at a local 24-hour fitness center doing overnights.  10-6.  I thought this would give me time to spend with Ronan and The Loudon, then get in some great money-making hours, along with some much needed working out!

I imagined running on the treadmill all night, doing 4 or 5 cycles of the 30-minute circuit training, not having to deal with the rush of customers (people- never my favorite), and packing away some good cash!  I would be skinny and fit again by July, with my wallet fat!

Only, it went like this…

Mama tired.

Too tired.

t. t.

Too tired to even say too tired.

Also, everyone kept asking me if I was nervous about being in this all-access gym that is hidden behind big warehouse-type buildings in the middle of the night, with the doors open for anyone to walk in – members or not.  Bundy or not.  Dahmer or not.

I wasn’t, because my boss assured me that the “cleaning crew” would be there all night.  I would never be alone in the building!  Sweet!

Only it went like this…

A cop came into the gym at around 11:00 on my second night alone.  He was shocked that my employers had no safety measures in place and that I was there all night by myself.  I wasn’t worried before, it’s a little town with not much crime, but now…HEY!  Now, I’m starting to get paranoid.  Thanks Mr. Police Officer.

He goes on and on about how unsafe and irresponsible it is to have me there with no security cameras, behind a building- in fact he came up into the gym because he saw a suspicious truck pulling behind the warehouses.  He had no idea there was a 24-hour fitness center back there.  Oh, but stalkers and lunatics would find out and eventually trail in, he kindly informs me.  Thank you Mr. Police Officer.

“Why is the door unlocked?  Anyone can walk in!  They should have the doors locked and a members-only keypad entrance.  Even then, a member could be crazy and nobody would hear you if he decided to kill you.”

Then, he says he’ll send officers to periodically patrol the building, but they can’t babysit me all night, and anyone could still attack me.

Then he leaves me alone!

Thanks Mr. Police Officer.  Thank you very much.

I sit in the window facing the parking lot like a damn starved eagle scanning desperately for a wounded animal to drop.  Forget about the lunatic coming in to get me, because I think one look at my cracked-out eyes bugging out of my head while I paced like a schizophrenic would have even Bundy saying, “Damn, I gots to get me away from this woman-freak, fast!!”

The cleaning “crew” – consisting of Blanca and her sometimes-present husband, came in at 11:40 and left at 12:40.  Hmm.  Mama was alone ALL NIGHT LONG imagining Ted Bundys and Jeffrey Dahmers -wait, not Dahmer, he didn’t like my flavor- umm, The Manson Women – no, I think I could have probably taken them down with some dumbbells – Freddy Kreuger!  No, I’m awake all night, and he only comes when you sleep – umm, SATAN!  No, too mythical.  All right, just Bundy.  He’s scary enough, even dead, because he looked like the paper boy.  And nothing’s scarier than a maniacal paper boy.

Anyway, at around 2:00am, after much pacing, biting nails and heart palpitations, the door (which is down two flights of stairs so that you can’t see who is coming up. I didn’t mention that yet, did I? Yeah.) opens up.  Someone is coming to kill me.  My life is over.  My kids are going to read about my fitness-center death in newspaper clippings.  Yay.

True to my probably stereotypical imaginings, up walks the biggest, baldest, menacing-looking biker you have ever seen (sorry bald bikeys, no offense- I love bald men,  honestly, see my Powder post).

Oh, great. My last minutes.  Fabulous.  Well, at least my sons will have an almost-Mom twin in my sister, their Auntie – who is much more organized and Mom-like than me anyway, so maybe it will work out for them…

I digress.

“Can I open up a membership?  I work the late shift, and I just got out of work!  I can’t believe you’re open 24 hours! This is so convenient for me and my wife!”

A little pee comes out.  Yes, unfortunately, ever since I gave birth to the over 9 pound Loudon, I have a little nervous incontinence issue going on.  You try carrying that thing for nine months and then holding your pee when you are about to die.  It was just a little tiny piddly anyway.

I can’t hear what my killer is saying, because I am just inching over to the emergency EXIT door with a fake smile on my face.  I am nodding like a Geisha.

“Do you have any paperwork that I have to fill out?”

I give him the forms, and then miraculously, I explain them to him with someone else’s voice – all the while, I am plotting my counter-attack.

Surprisingly, he doesn’t kill me.  He leaves with his membership tag.

However, I am almost dead from my high blood pressure.

It was a long sleepless night, and the next day I resigned.

My blood pressure has finally come down into the range where they won’t immediately admit me into the ER.  I don’t have to wear Depend undergarments.  I slept last night.  During the night.

And at 2:00am, when I was stalked by another male – well, it was just my small boy who never sleeps.

And he didn’t kill me either.

But this lack of sleep might!

T. T. !!!!!